A Little Something...

I still remember. I always loved babies, always wanted a little sister (been the youngest for 10 years) and always acted like a big sister to Beth (a kid that my mom babysat when we were living in the US). As I got older, I just loved looking at pregnant women. Wondering what and how did it feel like to have an actual human being living inside you. I always knew I wanted to have my own kids. I do also still remember when I was 18, I said to my friends the only reason why I want to get married is because I want a baby (it is taboo in my country having a baby without being married). However as the years passed by, I was unlucky in love. My goal was to be married by 25 but that did not happen. So giving up on marriage but still longing to feel the joy of pregnancy, I asked my mom the 'hukum' of getting pregnant by using a sperm donor. Surprisingly my mom did not object this thing on my mind but told me to research what was the 'hukum' in Islam and also reminded me that we are living in a society that this thing might bring slander. I was 26 I guess then. So when my mom said that, I was like, alright, fine.

Than surprisingly, this unlucky in love person got lucky and got married. And yes, in my mind, lets get pregnant ASAP! I was targeting of getting pregnant in 3 months. I didn't care that I was still in my last semester taking my masters coz if Allah gives the gift to me, there will be ways to support my baby.

Every month, if I were late, I'd do a pregnancy test. 1st month, 2nd month negative. 3rd month was too busy with class and work. Had an early miscarriage. I didn't do the pregnancy test though but I knew and husband knew I was pregnant, we just felt it. But I guess due to the stress and hectic life I was living, the baby did not stay.

The next months, I quit my job, concentrated on my thesis. Still every month I did pregnancy tests which all were negative even though I was late. I never thought it would be that hard just to have a baby. My family, both father and mother side never had a problem in getting pregnant. They were all pregnant in the first month of their marriage including my mom. The dissapointment after every negative test, I cannot describe. Heartbreaking.

I can't believe that only after 5 months I quit hoping. I just couldn't face another negative test. I just left this matter to god. Having faith that if He wants me to wait, then wait I will.

On the 6th month going on 7 I think, I was having cramps before my period. Actually it worried me coz I usually get cramps while having my period. It worried me also coz it happened after I miscarried. So this was the 2nd or 3rd period that I had after my miscarriage that hurt before my period. So, coz of that, I was worried and asked my husband to bring me to the clinic during the weekend.

Those few days were making me very nervous. I was afraid something was wrong. Can you blv that all your life you wanted something but maybe it could not happen? But I didn't think about it much. All I did was think positive.

The night before we went to the clinic, it was the week I'm supposed to get my period. I was still not late yet but I was thinking 'what the hell, just take another pregnancy test to tell the doc tomorrow your not pregnant.' At least the doc could prescribe me meds and not have me take a test.

Convinced I wasn't pregnant, I did the test quietly without husband knowing. All tests I did without him knowing actually lol. Didn't want him to feel disappointed too you know so better I feel it alone without showing him the pain every time I get a negative result. So, continue, I did the test that night. Wasn't waiting at all for a double line so after putting the strip in my pee, I went on doing other stuff. Around 5 minutes I think, I went to see the strip. Shockingly I saw a double line! But very faint. I had a double line before but that was because I left the strip outside too long. Thought i was preggos but I wasn't. But this time I just left it a little over 2 minutes so it can't be an error right?
In shock and disbelief, I texted my husband (he was fast asleep by then) that maybe he's gonna be a daddy.

The next morning, husband got up, went to the toilet and saw the test. He didn't look happy. I think maybe coz we were dissapointed a few times so we didn't want to get our hopes up too high. I told him that I want to buy another test just to be sure that it wasn't faulty. So instead of going to the clinic, we went to my aunts house coz she asked us to come over to eat and then went to buy the pregnancy test kit. Tested again, faint double line.
Thinking this time I AM pregnant, I just said to my husband, lets wait another week, faint lines does not convince me.
So we waited another week and yes, the line got darker.

Actually I was still in shock and couldn't beleive that I was pregnant! The month where you actually leave things to rest and not obses about, is when you finally get the greatest gift you always wanted. And after that, its history.

I am now 33 weeks pregnant, another 7 weeks till baby arrives. Yes, of course it already sinked in that I am pregnant with this huge belly and active baby! But it did take a while for it to sink in though lol.
Throughout this pregnancy, one thing I got to know, it ain't easy! I thought being pregnant will be a breeze but, it is way opposite. Just say I was in pain from before I knew I was pregnant (cramps that worried me early on) until now! Not a day passes by that I am not in pain. Now I am in more pain than before. But thinking that this was what I always wanted since god knows when, I'll face it with no compalints (I do complain, don't blv this statement) and with a positive mind (this is true but after every complaint lol).
Now it just has not sink in to me yet that I am gonna be a mom. I still behave like a kid at times. I hope that I can be a great mom, a great parent like how my parents are.

Another 46 days to be a mom. Wish me luck everyone.

p/s: wrote this a week ago,now have 39 days left..actually this is the first time imma post something using my phone so if the paragraph is looking crazy,maaf ye hihi...