10th Post For This Month!

Saje nak semak my blog for this is the first time I'd post 10 posts in a month! Congratulations to me! The most I got to was 6 if I'm not mistaken hehe...

Well, that's it. Nothing much to write today. Toodles! ^__^

Mesej-Mesej...

Me: Nama, ko penah hilang aku skali. Can u take it if u lose me again?

Him: Ntah la..tu aku cukup bermasalh nak kawen dgn awek aku...sungguh aku xleh nak lupakan ko..aku bercinta dgn dia tp hati aku ada kt ko je..

Me: Tp bkn ko xsyg dia... Sbb kalau ko xpe aku hilang, ko teruskan je la dgn awek ko. Tp ko dh ckp cmnie, ko fkr masak2 k... Aku pun xnk ko nyesal dgn pilihan ko...

Him: Aku xwt pilihan lg psl aku lama hilang ko..apa jd kt ko aku xtau..bleh ke ko hdp dgn aku,aku xsure..n just psl bnde2 tu la..psl awek aku smua aku tau...

Me: Psl bnde2 tu je la? yg ko sebut td?... I can make it easier for u,u know? I can just leave mcm dlu... Xyh ko fkr2 apa yg jd kt aku, blh atau x aku hdp dgn ko, blh atau x family ko terima aku... Lbh senang kalau ko teruskan je dgn awek ko sbb sume tu ko dh tau... Ko ckp je, aku pegi...

Him: Sng mmg la..hati aku menanggung smua tau x...aku xbleh lgsung nk lupa ko...ko marah ke?aku ckp trus terang nie...tu je mslh aku...aku kawen dgn dia pun kalau hati aku kt ko apa nk jd..ingt je xpe..tp kalau dh smpai mlibatkan hati dan perasaan ssh..

Him again: Lg satu...kalau aku xsyg kt ko smpai cmnie mmg aku kawen je dgn awek aku...tp mslh dia i love u so much! kalau hindustan tny apa bnde cinta bg aku..jwpn dia ngko la...

Me: Bkn ko sorg je tanggung,aku pun. Ko xtau apa ko dh wt kt hati aku... X,aku xmarah. Aku cuma terasa tp aku suka ko bterus terang. Lg senang utk wt pape kptsn... Ko saje kn bg aku nangis lg? Tp btl aku ckp,cinta aku kt ko sorg je. Kalau kita xde jodoh,mmg xkn sape dpt cinta aku sbb its with u...

Him: La,yg ko nangis npe...aku cma nk tau je cmne hdp ko..da la pmnt ramai sgt..aku yg ko ckp org paling ko syg pun xde bghset suh contact selalu...lgpun aku nk pastikan bleh ke ko hdp ssh sng dgn aku..aku bkn org kaya..kawen nie bkn sehari dua..smpai mati tau...bkn bnde memain...

Me: Ntah,terharu gila bab ko ckp hindustan tu... Org yg suka aku bg pnjam hset la... Psl bab ssh senang,aku rasa aku bkn jenis hi taste. Mak pak aku xpenah bg kemewahan kt aku. Cmpak la aku ktne pun,aku leh hdp... bla bla bla...

And so much more messages we sent to each other. The important thing that I wanted to keep is here written down so if I lose this phone or accidentally erased these messages, I'll have some of it in here. So, based on the conversation above, I have no idea what's gonna happen and what I'm supposed to do... Sigh...

Goodbye My Lover...

I dedicate this song to you. The person who makes me feel all the feelings I've never felt before. This song is sung by James Blunt and I changed one word in it in here; father to mother. Nobody could write a song better than Blunt about how I feel about you and what I'm going through right now. I love you and will always will.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVyggTKDcOE&ob=av3e

Why Me?

Why? Why? Why?
I've guarded my heart just to let it out in the open and got hurt again and again by the same person. Thank you so much. My mission here has ended.

Once You Wish Upon A Star...

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

I wish my wish will come true ^_^

Forget Or Not To Forget?

Maybe it would just be easier for me to forget everything...
Would it?
Guys, please help...

*i'm so lost right now*

Everything Happens For A Reason...

In my case, I'm still wondering what are the reasons that all this is happening in my life.

I am worried about my future, but that I know will eventually find its way, I know I'll find my way. The thing that worries me is about my previous post. Why is this happening? Why is it him that I always fall for over and over again? Why isn't my feelings toward him not going away? Why is my feelings towards him has always been the same? Why is my istikharah him when obviously he going to marry someone else?

We did get into a big fight early this year. We hated each others guts. We cursed each other, swore. And we ended up not wanting to talk or even see each other ever again. That was not the breakup. We were already broken up. We were 'friends' but I couldn't take being 'friends' with someone I still love who is with someone else. So, I picked a fight and yes, I was the reason for the fighting.

I don't know why but something happened. Someone messaged me telling he found a handphone with my name in it. There were pictures of me too. When he described what type of pictures, I knew it was his handphone. So, I called his girlfriend asking for his number, which I had deleted from my phone. But, of course she wouldn't give his number lol. So I asked her to pass the message. She did and he called me which we got in a fight but in the end made amends.

Starting from that day, we were 'friends' again. I had to accept that and I did. Everyday I keep telling myself I'm over him, everytime I keep telling my friends that I'm over him when they asked. I always tell myself I'm fine. And eventually, I believed it. But still, not even one person had made me feel the way he makes me feel.

Well, we had tons of fights but what I wrote here was the latest and the worst. The only thing in my mind is 'Why?'. Why although we fought a lot and decided never to see or talk to each other again, we tend to 'find' each other again? What are the reasons for me and him fighting and only being 'friends' over and over again? And why can't I forget him when it has been years after our breakup? And why is it when I met him, it was as if everything just happened yesterday? The pain in my heart was not a wound but still bleeding.

What are the reasons for us keep 'finding' each other? Only time can answer that...

I Was Never OK...

Like title above, I was never OK. I guess I always knew deep down inside but never admitted it. I'm not over him, I'm still very much in love with him, I will always be in love with him and I will never be able to forget him...

How I got to realize it? I met him today. 15th September 2010.

He had always said he wanted to meet me. I never wanted to. 'Kadang2 teringin nak jumpa ko'. That's what he said. 'Ish, tak nak aku jumpa ko'. That's what I said. He also wanted to meet me for raya. So, coincidentally my whole family went to send my brother to Teluk Intan Hospital (he lives in Teluk Intan) and I told him about that. I didn't know he would come. I didn't even really cared. But he did.

Everything was OK. We talked, teased each other like we always do when we got to be friends after the breakup, we had good laughs. But in between, sometimes, tears would well up in my eyes and I'll blink them away so he wouldn't see. Obviously, by then, I knew I was not OK.

We went to the pasar petang, walked side by side, he took my hand as we crossed the road, my eyes never leaving his hand holding mine. It was one of those moments I missed most. And again, while sending me back, stopping at Bidor's pasar malam, this time he held my hand all through the pasar malam never letting go only just to pay for the asam he bought.

Throughout the ride home, we talked, we laughed and talked what we seem to avoid the whole day. At times I got quiet letting the tears fill my eyes and again blinking them away. It was more like, he talked about the topic we try to avoid. I couldn't say anything about it because if I did, my shaky voice will give me out so I didn't comment, just stayed quiet.

When we arrived in front of my house, he took my hand again. We smiled at each other, both not wanting to part. When nobody had nothing to say, he said 'Nurul, Selamat Hari Raya. Maafkan aku atas segala kesalahan aku yang aku buat kat ko yang memang banyak sangat' and me trying to cut him with my shaky voice saying 'No, it's ok, it's nothing, yang lepas tu lepas and maafkan aku jugak k' and I burst into tears.

It came and subsided but there was one place where he said something which I can't remember that made me cry much harder, not trying to hold those tears inside anymore. He took my head in his arms and just held me as I cried.

I certainly can live without him but I can never forget him. Not ever. He will be inside my heart forever and ever and I don't know how long will this feeling last but for now I will always love him.

p/s to him: hope you live happily ever after with her :)

Random...

Just making a shout out...

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin!!!

Thanks Rina Hamid for taking me out Rayaing!!!

Raya this year was the best, first time raya in Penang and not enough time to see all the people I want to meet. But worth it...

Lizi! I knew it was going to be you first!!! Congrats babe!!! ^_^

Dayah! Waiting for next year to see you getting married!!! ^_^

Lizi and Dayah... Who's next ya? I have absolutely no idea coz the rest of us are single except Hang Nur but she confirmed it that she's not planning anything yet.

Me? Not for another 3 years. Borang masih banyak yang kosong. All single people who are interested are welcome to fill in the forms. But! Warned that it'll take some time to process them coz I'll be busy thinking and trying to make money plus busy continuing my studies. So whoever is willing to cope with all that, sila masuk minang terus ya lol ^_^

Oh, yeah, I got an agent! Thanks Zamirul! Please don't forget to send your ic to me ya ^_^

Now, dah tak tau nak tulis apa. Things get a bit boring when all you think about is money and studies. Like there is nothing else on my mind now. Peaceful but boring. No more drama. No more wanting to get married! That's something weird about me. But I still adore kids and I want one. By 30 (or when I can afford) and still single, I'm adopting. A baby girl, maybe a few months old. I'd go get myself my own by going to a sperm bank but hukum dalam Islam macam tak boleh je. Well, whatever it is, I will get one of those little cute and annoying brats lol...

OK, I'm out!

Pesanan Untuk Cik Lizi Di Akhir Karangan Ini...

Mcm dah lama tak jenguk blog. Updates, I feel so much better than before. I am now in a safe zone which means I don't really beat myself up about things that are not in my hands. So that also means I'm not missing him anymore. I don't really think about him anymore. And I think I'm starting to accept what's not going to happen. I know things happen for a reason and I'm just letting myself go. I choose what I want to do hoping that keredhaan Allah is with me.

So, now I'm focusing on business yang tak seberapa business jugak la. Just hope what I'm doing will generate me some income for myself and pay my dad back what he lent me. And by the end of the year, I'll be off to Shah Alam taking my Masters. I guess that's about it. Through all my planning from early his year, it came down to this and I never thought of doing business. Well, from now on, I can see clearly what I'm gonna do and I don't really worry that much too. I guess all is turning out well.

OK, apart from the above, my brother is having problems with his sight and at the beginning I didn't really even cared because I thought it was nothing serious and sometimes he does like to exaggerate. But after a week plus, we went to the hospital and we were sent to Teluk Intan Hospital, then we got to know it was bad. They are putting steroids in his eyes and thank God that its working even though my brother says he doesn't see any improvements in his sight but the doctors say the opposite. This coming Monday, he's gotta go back to TI Hospital for another checkup and I hope his sight will turn back to normal. But sometimes I do wanna see him outside the house looking blind as a bat because once he's outta the house, he is sorta blind because he vision is very blurred. Just like a blind person who you need to hold on to to guide him around. Sisters will always be sisters huh hehe...

I was also thinking to start living healthy. You know, exercise and stuff. But I'm so damn LAZY! I do have a treadmill which my dad bought in the living room but OMG, I'm so LAZY *lol*. I need something to motivate me which I think nothing or nobody could. Well, lets just hope one day I'll get to it for good! Not only a few days and I quit for the whole year which did happen last year hahaha...

Friends? I still love them so much even we seldom get to gather like the ol' times. I miss The Marketeers! I also wanna see my friends daughter which maybe is turning 4 months old. Gosh, good thing nobody of The Marketeers are getting married or else I'd be in a lot of stress lmao!

p/s: Dear Lizi, I'm routing you to be the first of The Marketeers to get married! ^_^