I Was Never OK...

Like title above, I was never OK. I guess I always knew deep down inside but never admitted it. I'm not over him, I'm still very much in love with him, I will always be in love with him and I will never be able to forget him...

How I got to realize it? I met him today. 15th September 2010.

He had always said he wanted to meet me. I never wanted to. 'Kadang2 teringin nak jumpa ko'. That's what he said. 'Ish, tak nak aku jumpa ko'. That's what I said. He also wanted to meet me for raya. So, coincidentally my whole family went to send my brother to Teluk Intan Hospital (he lives in Teluk Intan) and I told him about that. I didn't know he would come. I didn't even really cared. But he did.

Everything was OK. We talked, teased each other like we always do when we got to be friends after the breakup, we had good laughs. But in between, sometimes, tears would well up in my eyes and I'll blink them away so he wouldn't see. Obviously, by then, I knew I was not OK.

We went to the pasar petang, walked side by side, he took my hand as we crossed the road, my eyes never leaving his hand holding mine. It was one of those moments I missed most. And again, while sending me back, stopping at Bidor's pasar malam, this time he held my hand all through the pasar malam never letting go only just to pay for the asam he bought.

Throughout the ride home, we talked, we laughed and talked what we seem to avoid the whole day. At times I got quiet letting the tears fill my eyes and again blinking them away. It was more like, he talked about the topic we try to avoid. I couldn't say anything about it because if I did, my shaky voice will give me out so I didn't comment, just stayed quiet.

When we arrived in front of my house, he took my hand again. We smiled at each other, both not wanting to part. When nobody had nothing to say, he said 'Nurul, Selamat Hari Raya. Maafkan aku atas segala kesalahan aku yang aku buat kat ko yang memang banyak sangat' and me trying to cut him with my shaky voice saying 'No, it's ok, it's nothing, yang lepas tu lepas and maafkan aku jugak k' and I burst into tears.

It came and subsided but there was one place where he said something which I can't remember that made me cry much harder, not trying to hold those tears inside anymore. He took my head in his arms and just held me as I cried.

I certainly can live without him but I can never forget him. Not ever. He will be inside my heart forever and ever and I don't know how long will this feeling last but for now I will always love him.

p/s to him: hope you live happily ever after with her :)