Amir...

Friday afternoon, about 3pm.......
Received a call from my mother.....
"Amir dh seminggu x pegi kje"....
"Amir dh seminggu x balik rumah atok"....
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Geram di hati hanya Tuhan je tahu....
Mula lah all the "kutuk'ing"...
"Amir like this lah,Amir like that lah"....
"Amir has never changed"...
"Amir will never change"....
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Ibu mengata.....
Abah mengata...
Tp dalam mengata, risau kt hati diorg dpt ku lihat....
Anak laki sorg, anak harapan....
Aku sbg adik pun kecewa....
Kecewa tatkala dia lebih mementingkan kwn2 dia, awek dia....
Lagi hati ini mengutuk....
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Tonite, Saturday, about 1.30am....
Recieved a PM from Amir...
Didn't say anything to him just said that mak wants her laptop back coz ada kursus,kne bawak laptop....
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.:::copy paste chat with Amir:::.
The Unfound: aku tgh lari nih sebenarnyer
Nurul: knp?
The Unfound: aku tanak balik dah
The Unfound: aku dah tekad
The Unfound: lambat laun mak abah pun akan tau... wat masa nih diorang tak tau lagi kot
Nurul: tau apa?
Nurul: hang lari wtpe?
The Unfound: yg aku nak lari...
The Unfound: tanak balik umah dah.... like i once told you all before
The Unfound: aku dah start dah lari
The Unfound: sebab tuh aku pening bila mak mintak laptop, aku tak tau cmner aku nak kasi tanpa jumpa sesapa
Nurul: ko makan apa dok lari2 nie? ada ke duit?
The Unfound: pepandai aku lar.......
The Unfound: aku tanak menyusahkan mak abah dah.... and i want to do things my way....
The Unfound: berjaya ke tak pepandai lar aku hidup
The Unfound: aku dah besar
The Unfound: i just want mak abah to restu whatever im doing and not to worry
The Unfound: one day aku akan balik insyaallah
Nurul: ye la bgtau la abah ko ok...
Nurul: jgn la hilang cmtu
The Unfound: no
Nurul: org risau la
The Unfound: takyah risau
The Unfound: skali skala aku akan email or msg ko dlm fb
The Unfound: start next week or something aku akan tukar my numbers
The Unfound: aku nyer 017 aku dah tak on dah
Nurul: ko nk aku bgtau mak abah ko ok ke x?
The Unfound: ermmm for now if they dont know anything then biar je lar
The Unfound: klau diorang start tanye ckp je aku ok
The Unfound: just dont ever change ur fon number
The Unfound: nanti pepandai lar aku contact and update you
Nurul: aku lak br ingt nk tukar
The Unfound: all i know is im not coming back
The Unfound: ko tukar pun ko msg aku kat faceebook or email me
Nurul: ok..
Nurul: ko nk wtpe je nie?
The Unfound: aku ada lar few things yg aku plan
The Unfound: i just want to do what i want.... and hopefully one day i can show that i am capable
The Unfound: if not berjaya pun to at least survive on my own
Nurul: ye lah,just elok2...
Nurul: jgn wt bnde xelok
Nurul: jaga diri baik2
The Unfound: ermm hopefully
The Unfound: aku akan try my best to find a way to get the laptop back home
Nurul: one more thing...
Nurul: jgn lupa semayang
The Unfound: ermm?
The Unfound: yeah
The Unfound: apa2 pun once mak abah start asking.... tell them not to worry
The Unfound: tell them i'll be ok
Nurul: ok
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He also gave us (me and sis) credit last night....

Terharu....
Guilty....
Scared...
Risau...

What am i to do?
He's my brother...
Aku xnk abg aku susah sorg2....

Moving On...

At last,i threw away all those stuff that reminded me of him...
Gambar, tiket, ring, kad matrik, kertas yg ditulis "i love u" dlm kod, penutup roti which stated my birthday on it, a couple of guitar picks and a few other stuff....
Just one thing i can't manage to throw away; the teddy bear...
Syok la peluk menatang tu bila tido hahaha..,
Bukan sayang sbb dia bagi or what,its just a good bantal peluk,hehe....

Memula masa bawak kuar barang2 tu from my wallet simpanan, teringat jugak la what i have done, what he had done...
Nostalgia and memories la konon....
I looked thru each and every piece of paper, picture, and the other stuff one by one...
It took me about an hour (or more) to get rid of those stuff....
Padahal bukan bnyk pun...
About the feeling i got when i went thru those stuff; no words could describe what i felt...
I wasn't sad nor happy, it wasn't the feeling of nothingness... i think it was the feeling of moving on...

Once done with the not-so-much reminiscing, i went to the kitchen....
I tore everything, kecuali bnde yang xleh dikoyak lah....
Starting with the paper writing "i love u" in codes, two of his pictures, kad matrik, the tickets, the bread sealer and so on...
Nothing.... that's how and what i felt during the activity of tearing up all those good for nothing memories that only made my heart ache...
Now, everything is in the tong sampah where this morning the lori sampah dh kutip segala bnde yg tak guna itu,hahaha...
And i'm feeling GREAT!!! =D

Now, my goal is searching for a better future...
I hope i can get thru this DPLI that i applied for, nak jadi cikgu la konon...
But based on my family background, my dad's a lecturer and my mom's a teacher...
Both of the are educators, both of them are my hero's, and both of them are the people whom i love very much...
Kira, i want to be like them....

Love life?
Not thinking of that right now...
Semuanya akan ku serah padaNya...
I just hope i am strong enough to go thru His tests...

Well, done for now...
Lastly i just wanna say thanks to Him for everything that has happened...
Aku harap aku dapat kekalkan keadaan aku yang macam nie....
Yang lebih bersyukur dan lebih mengingat Dia dan mengharap keredhaanNya di tiap ketika....
~Amin~

ditag oleh lizi toek!!!

Peraturan Tag

Senaraikan:
• 3 lagu yang wajib ada dalam playlist.
• 3 barang yang wajib bawa bersama.
• 3 tempat yang dekat di hati.
• 3 laman web yang selalu dilawati (selain Facebook, Friendster, dan Myspace)
• 3 blog yang mahu di-tag


3 lagu yang wajib ada dalam playlist:

• Love story - Taylor Swift
  
• Gives You Hell - All American Rejects
  
• Always - Bon Jovi
  

3 barang yang wajib bawa bersama:

• duit
  
• ic
  
• lesen
  

3 tempat yang dekat di hati:

• penang
  
• arau
  
• situ.....
  

3 laman web yang selalu dilawati:

• my blog
  
• my email
  
• laman yg mengembalikan semula kekuatanku dan semangatku utk terus bertahan dalam sunia yang penuh pancaroba,hehe...
  

3 blog yang mahu di-tag:

• cik jijah yang angau bercinta
• cik lisa yang ntah la tau atau tdak ttg blog aku ini
  
• sesapa la yang kenal diri ini,hahaha...
  

Searching and Hoping...

Scared.... yes,that's how i feel....
Aku tau ape aku wt nie bordosa....
Planting the seeds of love but i am weak,as weak as a girl can be.....
I know its wrong but i do it anyways....
Cmne aku nk elak dari zina hati ini?
It'll be too cruel just to ignore someone without a particular reason....
We're just getting to know each other....
Aku dah minta petunjukNya,yakni dia harus ku tinggalkan...
Tp aku ingkar....
Aku tamankan dalam hati to be just friends hoping that this zina hati dapat ku elakkan...
I've told myslef over and over again to never fall again for the words of a man...
Ya Allah,perliharalah hati hamba mu ini Ya Allah...
Hamba mu ini takut... takut jatuh ke lembah yang hina lagi skali Ya Allah....
I just hope with Him always on my mind can make me stronger....
I hope with Him on my mind,i can nurture my heart,away from this zina hati...
I hope with Him always on my mind,i can find His keredhaan...
I hope with Him always on my mind,i can find his love and love Him in return...
Yet i'm still weak...

Just Words...

What will happen in the future?
Who knows....
Will i finally get what i want?
The only thing i want right now is for my parents, family, friends and sume umat Islams happiness (di dunia dan akhirat)....
For me?
Well.....
To be at peace, to receive His hidayah, to get a job where i can support my family (or family-to-be) and meet a great guy who will accept me as i am as i will accept him as he is....
Amin.....

Books...

Another tale told by me,hehe...
A few days ago, i went to the movies and bought a book which i have waited so long for...
Two whole years waiting and finally i got the book,hahaha...
The book is "Inkdeath" the third book from the "Inkheart" trilogy...
However, the movie was so boring,jgn tengok....
Buy the book,its better....
Now,i'm on my way reading this new book of mine...
Padahal i have another book yg xabis baca lagi,hahaha...
Its called "The Pillars Of The Earth" by Ken Follet...
I only read a few pages of it and it already struck me as a great book...
But i'd rather finish my book that i've waited so long for first,hehe...

Finally my brother is going to work!!!
After i don't know how many long years of just staying at home doing nothing but enjoying and making himself get in trouble all the time...
He will be going to KL on Sunday,i think...
And he would be working with my uncle which has a consultancy agency or company or i don't know,hehe...
But the fun part is that he gets to go to Sabah and The Philippines....
I am so jealous of him...
I wish i could take his place but i have to do more "important" stuff at home like cook, clean, wash, take care of my sisters etc...
Well,at least my parents don't worry much about my sisters when i take care of them...
After moving,i'll be free to work and i can't wait to hehe...

Ordinary Days...

Section 1:
There's nothing much that happened these 4,5 days of mine...
Abah balik dari Tanjung Malim,suka sgt kalau dia balik coz abah boleh bawak jalan2,hehe...
Mcm budak kecik but that's the truth,hahaha...
Today,i went thru my closet of clothes,mak suruh,and seperated the clothes that i want and don't want...
Mak wants to give then to those who needs it more...
There were tonnes of stuff that i gave away,sayang gak some stuff but from letting 'em rot,baik bagi orang,dapat pahala sikit...
Yesterday pegi tesco and masa balik my dad made the most stupid joke of all that made me laugh until now,hehe...
Nak cte sini xbest,myb some other time (^_^)
Owh,btw i met WAWA,my classmate while studying in Arau...
She is working there (tesco) (^_^)

Section 2:
One thing that is bothering me is WORK...
I still have no idea what i'd like to be or work as...
I wish i just could get married to a prince and be a princess and help my prince rule the world and make it a better place...
But that's impossible...
Sumenye dasar politik je skrg and some of these politic ppl only think of themselves... ~not all,just some of them~...
Well,back to WORK...
I'd love to be a teacher and teach english but i'd have to go back to "school" and take TESL for another 2 years....
By then i'll be 26,too old...
I also wanna like further my studies but my dad said i'd better work first...
Sometimes when i tell my dad what i wanna do,he will be like "no,do this,no do that"...
Kinda frustrating and makes my spirit drop to ground zero....
And at times when i ask "abah,tell me what can i do?",he'd go "do something you like,find something u take interest of"...
But when i do,ade2 je his i-dont-know-what lectures about if i do this,i have to do that yada yada yada...
Stuck,torn,clueless...
That's how i feel right now...

Section 3:
In a state like mine,i wish i had something to do to make me forget about all my worries....
Ok,this is the relationship part...
At least if i was working,i'd be busy doing my job and having less time thinking about less important stuff like this...
How the hell am i gonna get out of this mess?
I'm facing the truth and taking it quite ok,its not that bad but the wanting to have someone there for me is so strong...
Well,like it or not,i still do have to face it....
Just hope that i will still keep being strong...